Genuine Fatherhood

All too often today many people, even us Catholics, move from Thanksgiving to Christmas with little regard for what takes place in-between, Advent. The moment the leftover turkey gets cold we are already wrapping presents. Why the hurry when the season of Advent is such a wonderful gift. It is a season of yearning and preparation, a season of waiting. Advent is also a season of new beginnings since it marks the beginning of a new year in the Catholic calendar. Advent is also the beginning of a new a chapter in salvation history. I believe, however,that many of us forget that Advent is also the beginning of a new family.

With God nothing is coincidence. Therefore, it is not by chance that the Church calls our attention during advent to the first family, the Holy Family. It is not simply ironic that the Hope of the world, our Salvation, our Redeemer, enters our history not in triumphant praise and singing with great fanfare worthy of a king. The earth did not shake nor did the sun dance in the sky. Rather, God, Emmanuel came among us in the stillness and silence of the night, in the most humble of circumstances, and into the loving arms of a husband and wife. In that moment all of creation held its breath. It is no coincidence that God came to earth in the form of the most innocent and into the loving care of the model family.

God chose Joseph and Mary to care for and raise the Son of Man. God in the person of
Christ Jesus could have come into the world on a cloud of fire and established His kingdom on earth. But God placed the hope of the world in the care of a family. In doing so God sanctifies the family and raises the family to a new level. Mary, Joseph and Jesus elevate the institution of the family to something supreme. Society today has clearly forgotten that. Today the family is a burden, unnecessary, old fashioned, and outdated. Society today seeks to supplant the family and partition out the tasks of the family to the state, to schools, and to the media. Society seeks to replace the family in every aspect of human development whether it be education, emotional development, or spirituality. I cannot count how many times I have heard in the social sciences that the problem is not the dissolution of the nuclear family but rather we have no structures in place to care for the unwanted children and divorced spouses. “We need better after school programs, more robust welfare systems, and better access to contraception.” The sciences have plenty to offer. Yet, few within the discipline our willing to acknowledge the primacy of the family, that by right many “social problems” our related to the diffusion of the family.

Compare the family today to the Holy Family two millennia ago. Was it really different then? Well, today the goal of most people is to get a good education, a great job, and all the wonderful things money can buy. Oh and maybe along the way pick up a wife and if I have time maybe a kid or two but only if my wife demands it. Perhaps this the extreme example but all of our stories fit into this narrative one way or another. We are often brought up with these goals in mind. We as men are bombarded by the media and culture with images of marriage and family as binding, inhibiting, and painful. According to contemporary culture individuality and personal freedom are the most important. We must ‘sow our wild oats’ and do whatever it takes to get ahead in life because at the end of the day we are measured by what we have and what we have accomplished. It should come as no surprise then that many of us wake up empty, unsatisfied, and hungry. But no matter how much we consume the desire still lingers. Our marriages are stagnant and the relationships with our children are all but non-existent. Is our family today different than the Holy Family? Yes, it is.

This Advent I have spent some time reflecting on my own family. I am a husband and a
father with my second child due in May. I know what the world expects of my relationship with my family. I am supposed to bring home the bacon, go fishing on Sundays, and walk my daughter down the aisle. Right? But what has God called my family to be? What does it mean to truly be a husband and father? Over the past few months I have been participating in a program for men titled “That Man is You” developed by Steve Bollman and produced by Paradisus Dei. This particular program asks those exact questions. What does God expect from me as a husband and father? I along with the program developer agree that the answer to this question is found in the Holy Family.

Remember that God, through the Holy Family, raised the family to a new level. In doing so he calls us men to be husbands and fathers at a higher level. Simply look to the example left to us by Saint Joseph. Think about this, Joseph never once recorded a single word in all of scripture and history. Not once. Imagine yourself as the husband of literally the most perfect woman to ever exist and foster father to the Savior of mankind. You are at the center of the most defining moment in all of history. Yet, you say nothing. What incredible humility. Joseph knew his place in the family. Joseph knew he was to take the place of a servant and not the master.

We as husbands and fathers today have made ourselves masters. We have placed ourselves at the top with our wife and children beneath us. As a master we dole out the goods we possess to our servants and then go on about our lives as we please. Joseph, however, understood the true hierarchy within the family. That is as Christ himself stated in scripture “but many that are first will be last, and the last will be first” (Mk 10:31). We are called as husbands and fathers to be last. We as servants are called to eat only after all others have eaten and to sleep only when the rest of the house is sleeping. This was the life of St. Joseph. He knew that his wife and child came before him. Joseph saw that the child Jesus placed in his care was the most important.

Today we have inverted this relationship and put ourselves first, our wife second, and our children last. St. Joseph calls us during advent to right our families. We are called to be the foundation for our wives and children. In order to fulfill this calling we must place ourselves at the bottom. A building with the foundation placed on the roof would collapse. But the building with a solid foundation at its core allows for the construction of marvelous works above. The strong foundation endures and supports the walls and roof for generations. A good husband and father is the foundation of the family. Rooted in Christ, our Rock, we will weather the test of time. We will build the relationships necessary to cultivate a holy family. If we but lay the groundwork by remaining in Christ, God will build great things within our families.

Let us never forget that Christ entered our lives two thousand years ago through a family. Christ desires to enter our lives today through our families. Take this Advent season as an opportunity to strengthen ourselves for the vocation as husband and father to which God has called us. By living out our vocation, we will bring harmony back into our home, revolutionize society, and once again raise the institution of the family to the level of the Holy the Family. Husbands and fathers, it is time to put ourselves last, it is time to step down off our thrones and serve our families. Consider the silent service of St. Joseph and how God entrusted the care and protection of the two most perfect beings to ever exist. From such a humble man God brought great wonders. Imagine what great wonders God is waiting to bring from your family if you but humble yourself and serve.

Layton Field

The Gift

I once received a copy of the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman from a girl I was dating. This book discusses that there are different ways that people express and receive love. One of the love languages is the giving and receiving of gifts. The girl who gave this book to me took the liberty to highlight certain sections for me to read. Needless to say things didn’t work out.

Just recently my oldest child turned 3 years old. We had a wonderful party and when it came time for gifts, her friend kept bringing her new gifts to unwrap before she could respond with gratitude for the gifts just received. For those whose primary love language is gift giving and receiving, their was disappointment in their faces when our daughter was distracted with a new package just as her eyes would light up with wonder at the recently unwrapped gift. Now in all fairness, she is 3 years old, and the children that were bombarding her with distractions, from what I believe would be an appropriate response of gratitude, were young children as well. But for the givers of the gifts, that gratitude would have been a deep expression of love that mirrored that of the gift even though it was not equal to it.

When it comes to giving and receiving gifts, I have never been the best at that. If a gift received cost more than the gift I gave, I feel like I owe them something. It happens to all of us; we received a Christmas card in the mail and realized it is from someone that is not on our list. Immediately we put one in the mailbox hoping that it will arrive at their home in time for them to think that we sent it before we received theirs. Why do we feel the need to get even? Why could we just say thank you?

This advent season, we prepare ourselves to receive a gift so great. One that we will never be able to equal, Christ Jesus Himself. So often this time is called the season of giving, but it is important to take time to focus on how we are receiving as well. Our daughter received the gifts she was given with joy and wonder even if the moment was interrupted. She never sought to get even or recalled that she didn’t get some of these children gifts at their most recent birthday, she simple celebrated the gift, which in turn celebrated the giver. During this time our challenge is to empty ourselves of the distractions in our lives that would keep us from authentic gratitude to the Christ-Child. Advent is meant to be a joyful preparation as we anticipate a gift so great. Indeed, the giver is no stranger to this joy. His love must be shared, poured out on the cross, into our lives and then from us to Him through the way we share Him with others. Afterall, the greatest gifts must be shared. This Advent I pray that we may prepare hearts of gratitude so that we may celebrate the gift and the giver with joy and wonder.

Chris Bartlett
IHeardtheCall.com

Willing to Bend

As I awoke a few days ago, feeling particularly tired and unprepared to face a new week, I looked around at what seemed a mountain I must climb. The piles of laundry, sink full of dishes, and a mess everywhere I looked. Just three days ago this house was perfect top to bottom, how could it not stay that way...and so it goes with a family I guess.

While these “trials” are ultimately insignificant and relatively unimportant in the scheme of life, it so often seems, as least to me, that it is even the small everyday things, chores, and annoyances can take us off track, discourage us, and even lead us away from the Lord when we are least expecting it.

As I mustered the courage to shake it off and get moving, after a cup of coffee and some morning prayer time, I still felt frustration. A desire for complete perfection, which often tempts me, began to disillusion me and I felt a sense of anger welling up inside; over something as silly as having the house just the way I wanted it. How can learn to face the big things in life if the small things keep holding me back?

It was then that I felt an interruption from the Holy Spirit, reminding me that this “perfection” that I so often desire, is ultimately a desire for Heaven, a completion in eternity with Christ. However, in my imperfect and sinful ways, this “perfection” often gets misplaced and degenerates into a controlling ego-centric beast looking to devour any and all that get in her way.

I quickly realized that Christ never promised us complete fulfillment on earth. There is no perfect career, perfect home, or even perfect family. Perfection only comes in Him, and in life, we are tested by fire. Perhaps the flames come from a burning bonfire as through tragedy and severe physical or mental suffering. However, it can also come through the small “brush fires” of everyday life that can quickly spread and burn an entire village if not contained through prayer and complete surrender to God.

As I thought about Christ asking me to continually bend and change, through life’s fires and storms, I asked myself this question, “What is that I am made of?”

Here is what I found, I am often floating back and forth between three entities:

A Marble Statue:
In my desire for constant perfection I can distance myself from God and actually convince myself, either through indifference or self-righteousness, that I have and will reach perfection on my own. The beauty and grandeur of a marble statue is impressive, seemingly perfect, but fleeting. As one looks closer you will find a cold, austere being that no one can seem to penetrate. Often the remedy requires, through humility, some careful chiseling from Christ, or in some instances a jackhammer for a complete overhaul.

A Mud Pie:
Without proper hydration, i.e. the Living Water of Christ, I can often become hardened and cracked. And while unlike marble, as a mud pie I can be prone to self-pity, doubt, resentment, or even anger, because let’s face it, I’m acting like a mud pie. Besides kids in the backyard thinking it’s the best thing ever...mud pies don’t exactly attract anyone else and can be prone to a hardening that could be irreversible if left unattended. A fossil of my own self-pity...leaving me far from Christ.

A Sponge:
While seemingly attractive because I can soak in many things as a sponge, my porous nation can be equally harmful without the gift of discernment and wisdom to guard against unwanted or harmful substances. As a sponge I oftentimes fluctuate frequently from being over loaded with moisture (i.e. busy activity, overcomitted, constant communication, etc.) which leads me to “ringing myself out” and becoming overly dry, and again hardened. In my “spongy” moments I find myself always gripping for the next thing, hardly ever staying on track, and never reaching a consistent prayer life or solid relationship with Christ and His Church.

Content as Clay:
I have concluded then, that my best bet is to be content to be clay. While at first glance, clay, usually a neutral unassuming color may seem dull and mundane, it is one of the most pliable and flexible substances known on earth. It can be easily kneaded, pulled and stretched as much as the Artist deems necessary. In order to become it’s ultimate creation, a beautiful piece of pottery or handmade art, it must be molded again and again and then placed in the fire. In the end, this willingness and eagerness to bend is what allows clay to become the work of art it’s Creator intended it to be.

How then can I return from marble, mud, or as a sponge to a flexible servant for the Lord?

During Advent, in this time of penance and prayerful anticipation, let us examine our conscience with greater care and diligence. Let us look at ourselves honestly and see what we are made of and ask ourselves if this substance is something that allows Christ to work and move in us. As we await the most joyous event in our calendar year, the Incarnation of our Lord and King, let us turn back to the precious Babe in the manger and come home to Him through penance and Reconciliation.

What a joyful reunion awaits us this Christmas when in purity and meekness of heart we are intimately united to Christ through the gift of the Eucharist! Let us be as soft as clay Lord, so that during this Christmas and New Year we are ready to bend at your will, be stretched as necessary, and coming running when you beckon.

Marilisa Carney

Thanksgiving

As Americans we celebrate Thanksgiving every year on the 4th Thursday of November. It is a time of family, food, and fun centered around the idea of thanksgiving. Most of the time for me it comes and goes with no real impact. But this year something was different. While traveling in the car from house to house for another daily feast, I thought about what exactly it is that I am thankful for, and inspired by some thought provoking Catholic speakers, I was left with these thoughts.

Out of everything that Christ has done for me one of the best gifts he gave me was the gift of the Catholic faith at birth. But how many cradle Catholic's feel this same way? How many do you think realize this great gift of truth and understanding? I often wonder how would my life be different if I had been born into a faithful Protestant family instead of a Catholic one? Do I really feel that I would have sought the truth enough to find it in the Catholic church?

The important thing here is that Jesus calls each and everyone of us to be seekers of truth. He wants us to have a child like faith that seeks the answers with an open heart. However, as a cradle Catholic I think we are held to a higher standard. Where much is given much is expected. We need to know our faith and share it proudly in charity so that we as disciples can help others overcome false truths. Most of all, we need to live our faith so that the Gospel is seen by others and thus draws them closer to the fullness of truth found in the Catholic Church due to our example. Mathew Kelly a great Catholic speaker and author says, “that we are all walking billboards of the Catholic faith.” My question to you and daily to myself, "Are you a billboard that promotes the church?"

You see billboards come in many different shapes and sizes just like people so we all have unique opportunities to use our own gifts and talents to promote the Church. We can promote the church out of charity, zeal for souls, and love for all. The important thing is that we don't promote the church for our own ego or to draw attention to ourselves. Billboards don't exist on the side of highways to point to themselves, they exist to promote something bigger. That is what we are called to do as Catholics. The way we live our lives should always point back to Jesus and nothing else.

So during this Advent season use the time of preparation to grow in holiness preparing the way of the Lord in your heart and your lives. Become that walking billboard that Christ wants all of us to be so that at the end of the day we can do as St. Francis said, “Preach the gospel and only when necessary use words.”

Husbands Love Your Wives

“Husbands love your wives…”

I ran across this article published in the Houston Chronicle today:

According to recent research the definition and experience of “family” is quite different now than it was a generation ago. Fewer people today define marriage as between a woman and a man or as the proper foundation of a family. In fact, the article notes that even the Census Bureau is looking at expanding its definition of family to accommodate the progressive understanding of family. Sure, we can argue about the statistics and different interpretations found in the article all day long. Nonetheless, the research presented highlights one fundamental truth. Marriage and family are weakening. The article does state that marriage will not disappear anytime soon. Still, fewer people today believe in the necessity of marriage than before and that is a problem.

Imagine for a moment the foundation of an enormous building. That foundation supports the weight of the entire building. If the building were to collapse all the people within it would be lost. What if we found a small crack in that foundation? What if the earth began to erode underneath the foundation? What happens to the building? Our declining faith in the sacrament of marriage is a crack in the foundation of our society.

Consider this: God is the foundation of marriage, marriage is the foundation of family, and family is the foundation of society. Many today would disagree with each of these statements but this is exactly what we as Catholics believe (See the Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC) 1601-1666). Make no mistake; we are in a battle with modern society over the future of marriage, family, and society itself. Some say modernity is to blame. Others accuse individualism, materialism, or secularization. All of these are at one level or another at fault. I believe, however, that we as men, husbands, and fathers must also share in the blame. We have failed to put God at the center of our marriages, God at the center of our families, and God at the center of our society. So what now? Where do we go and what shall we do?

The answer is simple and it starts in the home. Saint Paul in his letter to the Ephesians speaks directly to men in chapter 5 verse 25 saying “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her…” This is what God is asking of us as husbands and fathers. We must be willing to love as Christ loved.

There are two elements to the love of Christ. First, Christ loved the Church but He loved God first and above all things. We too must place God above everything in our lives. God alone is worthy of our adoration. Second, Christ gave of Himself completely in sacrifice to His bride. Therefore, we too must give ourselves totally to our wives in the ordinariness of our daily lives. But what does that really mean?

A priest once told me in confession that God does not expect extraordinary things from us. God only asks us to be faithful to Him in the everyday thoughts, words, and actions of our lives. God will bring great things from even the smallest act of love. So when I say that we must sacrifice ourselves daily in service to our wives and children I simply mean we are to love our families in all the little ways that we can. Yes, occasionally we need to do something special for our wife. Yet, daily we must show her our love through the simple things such as picking up our dirty clothes, washing our bowl after breakfast instead of leaving it dirty in the sink, or maybe even folding a little laundry while we watch the Monday night game. Serving our wives in love will put God back at the center of our marriages.

Then, by sacrificing ourselves in service to our wife God will accomplish marvelous deeds. God will transform our marriages if we but make Him our focus and love our wife as St. Paul describes. This love will bring our families back in line with the Will of God. Finally, the family, established in love and service to God, will fundamentally change the face of our society. Yes, we must protect marriage and family politically, economically, and legally. But we as husbands and fathers as the ultimate protectors of marriage and family must protect first and foremost through loving service. Any lasting change must begin with each husband and father within the home. So what is my advice to our current state, husbands love your wives.

Layton Field

But I Don't Want to Die on the Cross

“Yes, you must die on the cross if you want to go to Heaven,” I overhear my three year old daughter, Bailey, boldly instructing her older sister. “But I don’t want to die on a cross,” Bridget, only four, replies as tears come streaming from her eyes. “Well you have to. Jesus did, so we have to do what He did,” proclaimed Bailey, or as I like to call her, my little Joan of Arc.

I quickly comforted my daughter Bridget, while also encouraging Bailey that she was right. We are called to die on the cross as Christ has done for each of us. I continued to try to explain that we may not be called to literally die on a cross, but hopefully in a successful effort, explained what different “crosses” can be in our lives and how we can offer them to Jesus.

After drying tears, giggling to myself, and saying a prayer of thanks that hopefully my kids are learning how to love Christ, it suddenly struck me that my common response to the Lord is the same as my four year old daughter’s that day, “But I don’t want to die on the cross.” Even after all that He has done for me, my selfish nature and desire for what is comfortable continues to get the best of me. Yet, we know from scripture that if we wish to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, we must pick up our cross and follow Him.

As a busy mom with three little ones at home, my days can often be filled with what seems like mundane chores and errands. As I recall the days when I worked outside of the home, how often my schedule and work became routine, almost as if I went through the day on “auto-pilot” or in a robotic manner. As a weak creature, I so quickly forget that I am called to serve Christ; that is my purpose. And as a mother and wife, it often comes in the form of serving my husband and children, although I must admit sometimes begrudgingly.

           I’m sure many other women and moms can relate to those tired moments when planning another meal, picking up kids on the way home from work, or doing another load of laundry can seem like crucifixion in of itself. (Perhaps a little extreme, but I know it is often the “little” everyday things that can most often seem most burdensome).

Yet, before I overheard this conversation between my daughters, it was if I had forgotten that I must die on the cross daily, if not minute to minute, if I too wish to spend my eternity with Christ. How had I lost sight of the fact that these daily crosses are heroic opportunities to live for Christ, instead for myself? Many call it, a white martyrdom.

For better or wore most of us are creatures of comfort…what feels good is what we do. In a society in which we are bombarded by the message that more is better, convenience is key, and that health and wealth are the ultimate goal of the human species, it is easy to forget that Christ is calling us to die each moment to our own selfishness so as to live wholly for Him. Think of the early church martyrs who were thrown to the lions and tigers or faced crucifixion like our Lord. Today we may not die a martyr’s death, but we still face the “lions and tigers” and are called as Christians to defend our faith and walk in the footsteps of Christ.

Does that mean that we are all called to run into the wild jungles and start missions, or drop everything we are called to in the world and live a cloistered life? While yes, many great saints of yesterday and today have been given that specific call, that does not excuse the rest of us from pursuing holiness with as much zeal as these heroic saints have done. Then in what ways can I offer my life and particular vocation to you O, Lord?

Mother Teresa is the perfect model of what it means to offer our days and works for Christ. She once said in an interview, “If the only thing you can do is peel potatoes, then you peel the potatoes for the love of Christ.” Powerful words when we live in such a time when it is the “big” things that get noticed. It can be very tempting, certainly for myself, to wish that I was called to be St. Joan of Arc leading an army into a great battle, or even St. Francis Xavier who traveled the world spreading the Gospel and starting missions.

However, all of us can “die on our cross” each day like in the example of St. Therese of Liseux. As a cloistered nun in the late 1800’s in France, she was quiet, often unnoticed and certainly early on very few might predict that later she would be declared a Saint and a Doctor of the Church. Some might even argue that she was simply, “ordinary”. But the example of St. Therese is needed now more than ever! It is doing the “ordinary” things of life with extraordinary love can save souls and mold a heart like that of Christ’s in each one of us.

We are each in the midst of a battle, trying to keep ourselves and troops motivated to not lose heart. The battles take place right in our own hearts, homes, schools, and places of work. Let us not forget, there is a roaring lion looking to devour us. Evil is prowling amongst our world, and as women I believe we have a special role to protect our husbands and children. It is our privilege and duty as wife and mother to enter this battle with our most important weapons: the Rosary, the Sacraments, and our willingness to offer ourselves as a sacrifice for the sake of our families. I am certainly not presuming that we can save our families, for it is Christ alone who redeems. But Christ can use each one of us to lead the souls left to our care closer to Him. It starts with molding our hearts and uniting our will to His.

With God’s grace, let us follow Christ to Calvary and allow ourselves to be nailed to our cross out of love for Him. While it may come in the form of folding clothes, juggling work with husband and kids, or changing another diaper, only by dying to ourselves, in small and great ways, can we be transformed into a new being more clearly reflecting Christ and not ourselves. A call for all women: allow Christ to penetrate our hearts so to change the whole world, one small cross at a time.

Marilisa Carney

Spare Change

Today my wife celebrates her 28th year of life. At one point she stated how she was starting to feel as her youth slipped away. Today also marked the last day of my parents visit from Colorado. They stayed with us 5 days. This is about the magic number as it takes 2 days for my kids to completely warm up to them. These two events connect, I promise.

I am not the same person I was when living with my parents, however, if I spend enough time with them, I can quickly shift from being a husband and father into simply being their child. This is never a good thing.

Many of us experience significant growth in college as we leave the nest. When we return for breaks, much of that progress is reverted as we return to our old self, to the one we were back in High School or younger. It’s almost as if there is a mode of operation that we can build on, but there are times when that mode of operation becomes our comfort zone and we revert to childish ways.

There is so much change that takes place as we build upon our childhood. We become different people, who can indeed become the same children if we don’t continue to foster growth in ourselves. In this regard, there is a beauty and a grace in change. We develop, we mature, and yes sweetheart, we get older. 

To me there is a deeper beauty in the unchanging nature of our God. He is, was and ever
shall be. Why is change in our case a good thing, and the absents of change in God’s case also a good thing? It’s simple, God has arrived. He is the ‘best version of himself’ as Matthew Kelly would put it. We are still striving to become the best, or at least, better versions of ourselves, and year by year, this should be celebrated even if it makes you feel older.

Discernment and following the call is vital to our growth. It is almost always the case that a response to God requires change on our part. After all, that is what conversion is. So as you turn one day or one year older today, ask yourself if you have been open enough to God’s will that you are willing to change into a better you. And remember, as we continue to grow out of our childhood, into adulthood, we are always God’s children and that is a foundation that we can revert to as we grow.

Chris Bartlett